When children grow up in an environment where one parent uses power and control over the other, they can often experience a series of poor outcomes. At times the children may take out their frustration on the victim parent rather than on the perpetrator. How is this explained?
Abuse of power and control occurs when the perpetrator makes the victim feel guilty about the children, threatens and abuses the victim in front of their children, threatens to take the children away or uses visits to abuse the other parent or ex-partner. Or, for example, threatens to expose the victims’ sexual preference to their employer or to a Child Care Centre/or ‘the use of courts to demand financial settlements or to challenge parenting arrangements’.[1] Other examples of abuse of power and control would be using coercion and threats, intimidation, emotional abuse, economic abuse and using children as weapons.
The Family Law Act 1975 specifies the benefit to the child of having a meaningful relationship with both parents. Moreover, it specifies the need to protect the child from physical or psychological harm and from being subjected to, or exposed to, abuse, neglect or family violence.[2]
Family violence in the home can affect parenting behaviours. For instance, a perpetrator may undermine the victim’s parenting role, could become abusive towards the children and could be a poor role model for them. In families where abuse between parents is cyclical, the environment may be insecure and unsafe for the children. The children may observe the violent behaviour, and could be subjected to negative comments, physical punishment, inconsistent nurturing and neglect. These experiences in children’s lives could lead to physical and emotional damage.[3] Victims of family violence may find parenting difficult because of abuse, poor self-esteem and the stress of separation and court proceedings. Time, protection and support may be required to re-establish their parenting role. A victim’s behaviour under the stress of an abusive relationship or separation should not create prejudice against parenting decisions.[4]
Children may show evidence of severe stress as a result of being in a violent household, and many children fear that they are to blame for the abuse or the violence against their mothers/fathers. Other children mimic the violent behaviour and blame the victim, or behave violently towards the victim as well.[5] Numerous studies confirm that children who witness or are exposed to family violence may have long-term trauma, delayed cognitive development in all spheres and sometimes irrespirable harm.[6] For children, the impacts of repeated abuse and exposure to domestic and family violence are profound and traumatic. Children do not become used to violence, they adapt and they do anything to survive, not because they want to but because they need to. When there’s violence in the home, children are continuously affected, even if they are asleep or not in the room when the violence occurs. The longer the children live in a violent situation, the more difficult it will be for them. When violence occurs, children may feel scared and ashamed, or they may even think that they caused the problem, or may grow up perpetrating violence upon others.
A child’s response to repeated power and control depends on several factors including their age, gender, personality and family role. Some of the immediate effects can include:[7]
- Blaming themselves for the violence;
- Experiencing sleeping difficulties, such as nightmares;
- Regression to an earlier stage of development, such as thumb sucking and bedwetting;
- Becoming increasingly anxious or fearful;
- Displaying aggressive or destructive behaviour;
- Starting to withdraw from people and events;
- Becoming a victim or perpetrator of bullying;
- Starting to show cruelty to animals;
- Learning difficulties, poor academic outcomes and low school attendance;
- Experiencing stress-related illnesses, such as headache or stomach pain. Moreover, this can lead to depression and poor mental wellbeing;
- Displaying speech difficulties, such as stuttering; and
- Misusing drugs and alcohol (in young adults).
Family violence affects all people, all over the world. It is important to understand the culture and social beliefs of the families that are involved. The abusive conduct by one parent against the other is highly detrimental to the wellbeing of children, whether they are witness to it or not. If they do witness it, anyone can see that such conduct can only be a traumatic experience for them. There is an abundance of research from social scientists about the highly detrimental effect upon young children of exposure to violence and the serious consequences such experiences have for their personality formation. They are terrified and simultaneously come to accept it as an expected part of life; they may learn that violence is acceptable behaviour and an integral part of intimate relationships; or that violence and fear can be used to exert control over family members. They may suffer significant emotional trauma from fear, anxiety, confusion, anger, helplessness and disruption in their lives. They may have higher levels of aggression than children who do not have that exposure; and they may suffer from higher anxiety, more behaviour problems and lower self-esteem than children not exposed to violence.[8]
These impacts are compounded by detrimental effects on parenting and on the victim parent-child bond. Family violence can be all-consuming, leaving the victim parent with little capacity or resilience to nurture the child’s emotional needs and development. The victim parent may feel a diminished sense of self as an effective parent. The perpetrator may additionally deliberately attempt to break down the victim parent-child relationship through tactics.[9]
Children attempt to actively make sense of their experiences of the violence, and many feel a combination of hope, worry and fear. For some children, the latter two dominate with little desire or hope for continuing their relationship with the perpetrator. Furthermore, children actively respond to the violence they are experiencing, sometimes to protect themselves and/or their other parent. Power and control makes the child confused about who is responsible for the violence.
Children often look to their caregiver for basic needs such as safety and modeling for self-regulation. Research shows that a risk in one of these areas can impact the development of the other, and the need for consistent caregiving (victims parent) in a non-violent environment is crucial for development. The relationship of a caregiver has traditionally been one of love, support and nurturance, unfortunately the effects of family violence can interrupt that bond, and damage the relationship.[10] It additionally makes the child lose trust in their victim parent’s care for them and that results in the children taking out their frustration on the victim parent rather than on the perpetrator.
The impacts of family violence help explain the difficulty that many experience in parenting as well as in intimate relationships. According to the attachment theory, in the parent child relationship, the parent’s role is to provide protection. When parents are unable to protect themselves, this causes distress for the parent-child relationship, and strains the attachment. According to Belsky (1999) there is differences between the attachment patterns and parenting styles of secure mothers in secure relationships versus those in non-secure relationships.[11] Children who experience abusive or unattached caregiving are likely to develop negative reactions to their caregiver. An absence of attachment or increased anger can cause negative reactions of themselves.
If you and/ or your children are experiencing family violence, book an appointment with one of our experienced family solicitors.
[1] Above n 1, 340.
[2] Family Law Act 1975, s 60CC(2).
[3] Above n 1, 351.
[4] Tom Altobelli, ‘Family Violence and Parenting: Future Directions in Practice’ (2009) 23 Australian Journal of Family Law 194–221.
[5]Women’s Legal Centre WA, Mediation (2018) <https://www.wlswa.org.au/wp-content/uploads/2019/03/2018-11-30-WLSWA-Mediation-Booklet.pdf>.
[6] Australian Institute of family Studies, Child Protection and Family Law…Joining the dots, Report NCPC 34.
[7]Department of Child safety, Youth and Women, Domestic and family violence and its relationship to child protection (April 2018) <https://www.csyw.qld.gov.au/resources/childsafety/practice-manual/prac-paper-domestic-violence.pdf>.
[8] T and N (2003) FLC ¶93-172, 78,760–78,761.
[9]The Lookout, Family violence and children/adolescents (2008) <https://www.thelookout.org.au/other-professionals/responding-family-violence/family-violence-and-childrenadolescents>.
[10]Terra Pingley (2017), The Impact of Witnessing Domestic Violence on Children: A Systematic Review. Retrieved from Sophia, the St. Catherine University repository website: https://sophia.stkate.edu/ msw_papers/776.
[11] Ibid.